Tips for finding friends and building a community

If you’ve spent any time with me in person or on this blog, you know that I’ve moved a lot. Each time I’ve moved, I’ve gone to a city that I’ve never lived in before and I have had to start building a community from scratch. I’ve had seasons in life where I didn’t have a great community established in the area I lived, and seasons where my community was abundant and thriving. Finding your people is HARD, y’all. Maybe you are feeling this too. Maybe you aren’t living in a new city, but you’re having a hard time building a community anyway, because finding friends as an adult is kind of like competing in an olympic event for a sport that you never learned how to play. So if you are like me and you are finding yourself in need of friendships, I’m sharing four ways to find your friends and build your community that have been useful to me during each of my moves. In fact, I just moved to a new city again, so I’m doing these three things in real time! I invite you to come along with me and try them in your own life, so we can all enter into a season of beautiful friendships and abundant community!

Get out of your comfort zone

Just the other day I planned to take Nolan to a story time at the library in our new town for the first time. I knew it would be good for both of us to get out of the house and interact with people. I really do enjoy meeting new people and making friends, yet getting out of the house to a place I’d never been before seemed so daunting. Suddenly, a simple trip to the library seemed like a massive ordeal. Where would I park? Once we got into the library, how would I find the children’s area? Who would be there? Would everyone know each other already, leaving me and Nolan to awkwardly sit alone? All of this anxiety made me think that we should just stay home. But NOPE. I knew I had push past my uncomfort and go. So we went. And to be completely honest with you, it was a little uncomfortable to show up to a place I didn’t know without anyone I knew. But it was also really good to get out of the house and be around people, even though I didn’t know them.

Y’all, we cannot let our anxieties keep us from getting outside of our comfort zone, especially when we are trying to meet people. We really cannot meet people unless we step out of our homes and go where the people are. I don’t care if it’s going to be awkward, we have to do it!! I love the saying, “Do it scared.” I know it’s difficult to get out of your head and get out of the house. But do it even though it’s hard! Get out of the house, show up, and be excited! You never know when getting out of your comfort zone will lead you to a friend that you feel totally comfortable around.

Keep showing up

So back to the other day when I took Nolan to the library even though it was out of my comfort zone. We went, we had a great time, and Nolan had a ton of fun. Did I exchange numbers with any moms there? No. Did I make an instant connection and leave with a new best friend? No. I barely talked to anyone, honestly. Regardless, we went back again today. I was less anxious, but I still didn’t make any connections. And you know what? That’s okay! We’ll continue to show up, because I know that matters.

Continuing to show up is how I made really good friends in the last town we were in. I didn’t know a single person when we moved to Georgetown, TX. Literally, 0 people. But I saw a free mommy and me workout class advertised on Facebook. So I went. I had a lot of anxiety, just like I did the other day at the library, but I went anyway. And then, I decided to keep showing up. I joined the workout group and I went every day that I could. If I was in town, I was at the workout. I said yes to every play date and mom’s night out that worked in my schedule. And slowly, I started to form friendships. Every time I said yes to going to a workout or event, it was another opportunity to make a connection and build my community. In less than a year’s time, I had some of the best friends I’d ever had in my life. I found my people! My community was built because I kept showing up.

So this is my encouragement to you (and to me as I start the process all over again) to keep showing up! Even if you don’t make connections the first time you go somewhere. Even if it’s awkward to start. At some point, it will get less awkward and you will start to form connections that will transform into friendships. It might take some time, but don’t stop showing up.

Be the inviter

So many times I’ve wished that someone would walk up to me and ask if I wanted to be friends. How many times have I sat at the library watching Nolan play hoping another mom would sit next to me and ask me if I wanted to be besties?! Probably too often. It can happen, but that’s super rare. I’ve learned that if I want friendships, I’m the one that has to do the inviting.

I think so many of us walk around assuming that everyone already has their best friends and aren’t looking to add more to their lives. Because of this, we aren’t willing to put ourselves out there and start a conversation. But I’m willing to bet that most of the people we see are willing and wanting more friends in their lives. So we have to be the friend we’re hoping to find. We have to be the one to sit down next to someone and strike up a conversation. We have to be the one to post on a Facebook group and share that we are looking for a community. We have to be the one to plan something and invite someone to go with us.

Obviously being the inviter can put us in a vulnerable place. What if our invitation isn’t received how we want it to? What if we start a conversation with someone and it doesn’t lead to a potential friendship? To be a good inviter, you not only have to extend the invitation, you also have to know that your identity and confidence is NOT in who accepts or denies your friendship. Your identity and confidence comes from the Lord. He loves you and loves being your friend. He accepts you as you are, no strings attached. When you know this and believe it, you can be okay if your invitation for friendship is accepted or not, because your identity is not in man’s approval but in God’s love.

Be the friend to other people that you need others to be for you

I know I said this same thing in the previous paragraph, but I think it’s worth saying again. Be the friend to other people that you need others to be for you. I love what Becca Aylworth Wright said in her article, Be the Friend you Need; “Each one of us needs a friend. That means there are other people waiting on you to be their friend.” Think about what you need in a friend, and go give that to someone else. Offer them your genuine interest in who they are as a person, your authentic personality, your care and concern, your laughter, your vulnerability to share your life stories, your humor, your smile. You have so much to offer people!

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I know these four tips to making friends and building your community can seem like a lot of work. But putting in the effort is so worth it. You absolutely DO have the ability to get out of your comfort zone, continue to show up, be the inviter, and be a good friend!! I’m praying that you believe that today, and start taking these steps to creating your beautiful, flourishing community of friends.